Identifying Toxic Love and How to Handle it
We often turn a blind eye to loved ones when they are mistreating us because we’re afraid to lose the connection we have. We would rather have that toxic love, instead of facing the uncomfortable task of demanding the love we deserve. Sometimes it’s easier for us to just take what we have even when we know it isn’t fulfilling. It’s a lot simpler than disrupting the peace and pointing out the toxicity of things. When it comes to family, it’s especially hard because these are the people that have helped to shape who you’ve become. This can make you feel as if they’re automatically owed access to you no matter what they do and that’s neither true nor acceptable. Just because someone has been around for a long time and may have even helped you in the past, that does not give them ownership over you or your emotions. The same goes for romantic relationships. When it comes to your partner it can be hard to see them in a negative light because you love them. This pushes us to make excuses and turn the other cheek too often. There isn’t enough love in the world to tolerate someone putting you in a toxic space. There are some telltale signs that a friendship or relationship is toxic.
Lack of Support
Support is an important aspect to any relationship. One way of knowing and feeling confident that we matter to someone is when the things that matter to us also matter to them. When we are embarking on a new journey or project and we share it with a loved one, we want to feel that they not only care but also have our back if we need it. A lack of support may look like sharing an exciting new thing with someone and they doubt that you can succeed. When our friends and partners support us it looks like them sharing our excitement or expressing that they believe we will achieve our goal. While it may look like they just don’t care or are rude, it can be a major injury to the relationship and your self-confidence.
Disrespectful
I cannot repeat enough how crucial and instrumental respect is to the health of any relationship. As a definition respect is seeing, knowing, and honoring someone for their individuality, authenticity, and who they are. Too many times I’ve heard someone say their partner has done something disrespectful, but when I asked what respect looks like to them, they cannot answer it. Showing respect looks like acknowledging that your friend or partner is different from you, but you don’t push your goals, desires, and beliefs onto them. You allow them the space to share their own goals and desires with you without you qualifying or passing judgment. It is an amazing way to show that someone is both valued and loved — simply for who they are and despite their shortcomings.
Dishonesty and Untrustworthy
Every relationship should be trustworthy. Trusting a partner doesn’t simply mean that they don’t cheat on you. Trustworthiness also includes being confident that this person will respect me when I’m not around and hold my confidences sacred. Let me be clear, there are many ways to betray a partner or friend outside of infidelity and secret telling. If a relationship is toxic, then there is no aspect of it that you are able to trust. You often feel emotionally unsafe and that you are not able to share vulnerable details or concerns about your life, fears, or griefs. Part of building trust in a relationship is, to be honest, and transparent. When someone cannot be honest, transparent, or vulnerable it signals to us that we cannot share everything with them or trust them,
Selfish
Selfishness is often overlooked or exaggerated. What I mean by this is that there is a lot of buzz going around about narcissism and narcissistic abuse. While these are very valid disorders and conditions, not everyone who is a shitty boyfriend/girlfriend is a narcissist. Narcissistic Personality Disorder is very serious and dangerous. To label every friend or partner that is mean to us or takes advantage of us as a narcissist simply is inaccurate. However, just because I don’t believe everyone labeled as a narcissist is one does not mean that I don’t recognize the toxicity of selfishness in a relationship. When we lack compassion and loyalty it’s inevitable that selfishness will be the result. The goal of any relationship is to share our lives with the other person and if you’re trying to share with someone who is selfish you will always feel unimportant to them because they are not willing to share with you in the same way.
The challenge is not only recognizing when a friendship or relationship is unhealthy and toxic for us but also how to know what to do to get out of those kinds of relationships. Frankly, we often see the glaring red flags. But for some reason instead of running in the other direction, we decide to bedazzle the damn flag. We dress up their issues and make them more attractive under the guise of helping them change when in reality it’s just hurting us.
It’s obviously challenging to end a friendship or relationship because we care about the relationship and person. When we recognize that we have to end it, we begin to grieve the loss of that relationship. It’s one thing if it is a friend or intimate partner, but if it is a parent or family member it is even more challenging. Ultimately we feel a level of shame for wanting to or attempting to end the relationship. We feel like we are not good sons and daughters as opposed to feeling proud of ourselves for creating healthy boundaries.
Boundaries are your best friend in any relationship. We have to realize that they are not intended to cut people out, but rather to serve as a guide for how we need to connect. When we recognize that, we can then recognize boundary violations as someone’s disinterest in having a healthy relationship with us.
Ultimately, the most important thing is to know your worth. Once you realize who you are and what you deserve, you won’t accept anything less than that. Learn from your past experiences and remember the red flags you saw before. Don’t think everyone is out to get you, but be aware of what became an issue before and keep your eyes open. Once you feel like you’re having Deja Vu and you’re not in a good space, it’s time to go. Don’t allow yourself to stay because you want to feel loved. There are plenty of people out there that are capable of loving you without dimming your light. That goes for friends, family, or significant others.
Ending a toxic relationship can be difficult and an uncomfortable experience. Even admitting that you’re in one is just as hard, but the sooner you realize it, the sooner you can free yourself of it. Life is too short to be a part of any type of relationship that makes you feel less than or unhappy. You deserve every bit of happiness that you desire, and you shouldn’t let anything keep you away from that. Don’t ever think you have to stay because you owe the other person anything. It doesn’t matter how long you’ve known them or how much they’ve helped you in the past. Exchanging your happiness for their toxic ways should be non-negotiable.