Are You Stuck in Perpetual Conflict?
Do you ever get the feeling that there are some things you just can’t talk to your partner about? Or, if you do talk about them, you’ve learned not to expect any type of resolution or fix to the situation? That’s actually very common and surprisingly normal.
Don’t get me wrong I know it sucks to feel that way. It can be very discouraging to feel like you can’t talk to your partner or that they will never agree with you on issues. And that may be the case for many relationships. If you are with someone that is very different from you then you may not have many moments when you agree on an issue. But that doesn’t have to diminish the love between you both.
If we want deep and meaningful relationships, then we have to communicate with our significant other as much as possible. We unfortunately have to communicate about the not so nice things that come up, including the hurt we’ve experienced in past relationships. If we don’t communicate the way we’ve been hurt, then how is our partner supposed to know when something is triggering to us? Of course, I’m not talking about cheating or being verbally abused–that is conflict that has to be addressed, but not exactly the perpetual kind.
Relationships are a two-way street and it’s important for you to understand your partner’s hurt as well, so you’re not unknowingly causing them any further harm and hurt. This will have you in a circle of perpetual conflict.
Perpetual conflict is when you find yourself arguing about the same things over and over. This happens because not all conflict will be resolved. I hate to be the bearer of bad news but only 31% of conflict is resolvable. That means the majority of our arguments, and overwhelming 69%, will not be resolved and wrapped up with a nice, neat bow. So, most of the time you find yourself in an argument in your relationship it won’t have a solution or quick fix. Most times it just requires further dialogue and understanding.
The goal is to have your partner understand how you feel and why you feel hurt, not to agree about how you feel. If I never communicate and share my hurt, I will always be focused on how you hurt me repeatedly instead of being able to see areas that I hurt you. It can become a vicious and often selfish cycle that we end up in. When we are stuck in a perpetual conflict cycle it’s because neither person is seeing or understanding their partners hurt and then we become defensive. It definitely starts to become the blame game instead of us trying to figure out what the actual issue is and where it’s stemming from. Instead of being defensive, we need to allow space for understanding.
We have to learn how to have constructive disagreements and discussions. I talked about learning how to fight in one of my recent blogs. This is especially necessary when it comes to dealing with hurt, explaining it and feeling understood. If we don’t take a minute to be quiet and actually listen, we won’t be able to hear what caused the hurt and how to fix it. We act like the kicked puppy at the shelter that can’t even recognize when someone is trying to do the right thing by us. Meaning it’s okay to let our partner in and explore the hurt we’ve been through. We can’t let past events dictate the way we love in the present.
Hurt has a nasty way of lingering when we want it to just disappear already. Sorry but it doesn’t work like that. It’s something that takes time to heal especially when it comes to past relationships. You have to work your way through it and that can be pretty damn uncomfortable at times, but very much worth it in the end. Perpetual conflict makes us hyper vigilant about our partners and puts us in a negative sentiment override. It’s like being on a rollercoaster that you can’t get off of. It’s not too bad the first time around but the 20th time might be a little unbearable. To combat this, we have to manage our emotions differently, feel it, share it, and address it. It’s the only way to make any kind of progress within ourselves and our relationships. The burden is on us to address and manage our emotions, not our partners. And it is not your job to manage your partner’s emotions either.
Don’t let the hurt control the narrative of your relationship.